Is it wrong to thing about "What Could Have Been?" For me, its kind of like a day dream. But sometimes I will start to feel guilty. God has blessed me with an Amazing life. I have a wonderful family, that is filled with love. I wouldn't trade my life for any other. Although sometimes I can't help but think how drastically different it could have or could be.
This came about most recently while watching Animal Planets "Whale Wars." I see these people and think, how awesome is that life! Not that I feel quite as strongly as they do, but the general life style is appealing. Living far away from everyone and everything, not worrying about money or the car or what people think about you. Being fully submerged in something you passionately care about.
While writing this blog lots of things are popping in my head. I could have joined the army or just bummed around the country with no plan. And now some of this stuff seems intriguing at the surface but the more and more I think about it, there's a reason I didn't do any of it.
It just isn't me. My life that I have defines me very well. Loving family, a job that I like but don't hate, enough money to get by (for the most part lol) and not a huge social life. That's me, its who I am. Most days I go to bed in a good mood and that's good enough right?
I know this is a short one but its all I got for now,
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Life & Death, Live it!!
So I'm only 24 years old (I think, uh yeah that's right). I have a lot of life yet to live, and at the same time I've been around and learned some stuff. But in the recent month or so I have gained new perspective on the whole death thing.
Some times great people have for what seems to us no good reason, have their life taken sooner than what we would call "normal." If you don't die at 85+ peacefully in your sleep people say, "they were so young." And "I'm sure God has a plan." In our doubt and pain we like to pass off the situation to Faith in Gods Plan. Maybe he does, maybe not. It could be a sad side effect of us living in a sinful world with the blessing of free will. Now I am not saying that God is not in ultimate control.
Ask a family at my church if God is in control! Their daughter was suddenly sick. Double pneumonia and a list of other infections. She was looking at houses on wednesday and by friday she was in ICU. The doctors told her parents that it didn't look good. They were allowing friends and family to come into ICU because (they later found out) that they didn't expect her to make it. They moved her across state to another hospital that had some equipment they did not because there was nothing more they could do if she got worse. The doctors in Ann Arbor said they had never seen anyone who was this bad off make it. The only thing she had going for her was that at 22 she was so young... ...and the prayers from all around the world. A few weeks after this all started the doctors said she is well enough to go home! And the other day she came into the church office during the week. I could go on and on about this, and I know that I am leaving out some big details but you get the gist of it right?
Now, my experience. I had to get a refill for my prescription of Adderall XP so I called up my family doctor. For the past 2 years or so that I've been on this drug, I have called them up once a month, and my wife will go pick it up because their office is on the other side of town. (That she goes to a few times a week) Although this time was different. This time, they told me that because Adderall is a narcotic, I need to come in every 3 months for a check-up and quick chat with the doctor. This is something I've never done before and they just told me that's always been their office policy. Weird right? So I checked with a family member who is on the exact same drug (although a higher dose) but goes to a different doctor. They do not have to do this, and because my doctor is all the way on the other side of town I decided that I might just switch doctors. But after a week I just gave in and set up an appointment. Knowing that this is most likely just another way to bleed the insurance companies by any means possible.
I talked with the doctor and every thing seemed fine until he decided to take a listen to my heart. When he asked me if I've ever had a heart murmur before, I started to get a little nervous. I haven't. With a slight frown he asked if I have had any chest pains or shortness of breath. I hadn't. So he scheduled an echocardiogram in a week or two and left the room. And then I remembered a few days before when I had what I think was really bad heart burn.... The nerves are really getting jumpy now! But even still, I decide not to tell my doctor when he comes back with my prescription. Because he tells me not to worry, don't lose any sleep, 90% of the time its nothing serious. Those are not too bad odds I thought.
Over the course of the next two weeks waiting for my ECG every slight chest pain immediately gets my heart racing. Waiting for my left arm to go tight and slump over from a heart attack, my wife calms me down. She reminds me that I'm fine and nothing is wrong with me. So I get over the panic, for the most part. I had my ECG and am waiting for the results that should be in this week.
One thing this has done for me, is the new out look on life. It might be stupid because like my doctor said, 90% of the time its nothing. But thinking about the 10% is scary. Once I stopped thinking about dieing, I started thinking about how I'm living. I turned off the TV, climbed down onto the floor and played with my two year old son. Not that I never play with him, but I thought "you never know when your time is up, and I'd rather know that I made time for my family." I want my kids and Wife to KNOW that they mean more to me than anything else. And I love it! The extra time means so much to me. Simple things like taking the dog for a walk and bringing him to the pet store to buy some fish for his new aquarium we set up in his room. And turning the TV off and going to bed with my wife not after. I don't do this all the time, I still watch a lot of TV, go on the computer, and stay up past my wifes bed time. But I try to at least once a day make the conscious decision to make the time. My family has always been the most important but I wasn't LIVING IT.
I'm sure ill be fine, and I'm doing what I can to not worry about it. But I see Gods plan in this. Such a random thing to happen to get me to look at my life and what I find valuable. Where do you place you chips in life? What matters to you the most, and are you LIVING IT?
Some times great people have for what seems to us no good reason, have their life taken sooner than what we would call "normal." If you don't die at 85+ peacefully in your sleep people say, "they were so young." And "I'm sure God has a plan." In our doubt and pain we like to pass off the situation to Faith in Gods Plan. Maybe he does, maybe not. It could be a sad side effect of us living in a sinful world with the blessing of free will. Now I am not saying that God is not in ultimate control.
Ask a family at my church if God is in control! Their daughter was suddenly sick. Double pneumonia and a list of other infections. She was looking at houses on wednesday and by friday she was in ICU. The doctors told her parents that it didn't look good. They were allowing friends and family to come into ICU because (they later found out) that they didn't expect her to make it. They moved her across state to another hospital that had some equipment they did not because there was nothing more they could do if she got worse. The doctors in Ann Arbor said they had never seen anyone who was this bad off make it. The only thing she had going for her was that at 22 she was so young... ...and the prayers from all around the world. A few weeks after this all started the doctors said she is well enough to go home! And the other day she came into the church office during the week. I could go on and on about this, and I know that I am leaving out some big details but you get the gist of it right?
Now, my experience. I had to get a refill for my prescription of Adderall XP so I called up my family doctor. For the past 2 years or so that I've been on this drug, I have called them up once a month, and my wife will go pick it up because their office is on the other side of town. (That she goes to a few times a week) Although this time was different. This time, they told me that because Adderall is a narcotic, I need to come in every 3 months for a check-up and quick chat with the doctor. This is something I've never done before and they just told me that's always been their office policy. Weird right? So I checked with a family member who is on the exact same drug (although a higher dose) but goes to a different doctor. They do not have to do this, and because my doctor is all the way on the other side of town I decided that I might just switch doctors. But after a week I just gave in and set up an appointment. Knowing that this is most likely just another way to bleed the insurance companies by any means possible.
I talked with the doctor and every thing seemed fine until he decided to take a listen to my heart. When he asked me if I've ever had a heart murmur before, I started to get a little nervous. I haven't. With a slight frown he asked if I have had any chest pains or shortness of breath. I hadn't. So he scheduled an echocardiogram in a week or two and left the room. And then I remembered a few days before when I had what I think was really bad heart burn.... The nerves are really getting jumpy now! But even still, I decide not to tell my doctor when he comes back with my prescription. Because he tells me not to worry, don't lose any sleep, 90% of the time its nothing serious. Those are not too bad odds I thought.
Over the course of the next two weeks waiting for my ECG every slight chest pain immediately gets my heart racing. Waiting for my left arm to go tight and slump over from a heart attack, my wife calms me down. She reminds me that I'm fine and nothing is wrong with me. So I get over the panic, for the most part. I had my ECG and am waiting for the results that should be in this week.
One thing this has done for me, is the new out look on life. It might be stupid because like my doctor said, 90% of the time its nothing. But thinking about the 10% is scary. Once I stopped thinking about dieing, I started thinking about how I'm living. I turned off the TV, climbed down onto the floor and played with my two year old son. Not that I never play with him, but I thought "you never know when your time is up, and I'd rather know that I made time for my family." I want my kids and Wife to KNOW that they mean more to me than anything else. And I love it! The extra time means so much to me. Simple things like taking the dog for a walk and bringing him to the pet store to buy some fish for his new aquarium we set up in his room. And turning the TV off and going to bed with my wife not after. I don't do this all the time, I still watch a lot of TV, go on the computer, and stay up past my wifes bed time. But I try to at least once a day make the conscious decision to make the time. My family has always been the most important but I wasn't LIVING IT.
I'm sure ill be fine, and I'm doing what I can to not worry about it. But I see Gods plan in this. Such a random thing to happen to get me to look at my life and what I find valuable. Where do you place you chips in life? What matters to you the most, and are you LIVING IT?
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
What is this, Why bother???
Ok, I guess I'm trying out this blogging thing... I am not really sure why, I honestly am not even sure what a "blog" is. I have read a few, but that's about it. I am an avid user of the micro-blog site Twitter (follow me @anoah33) and I am constantly becoming frustrated by my allowed 140 characters not cutting it.
So here I am today, typing on my Blackberry Curve 8330 on a slow day at work. Now I'm wondering "what's the point?" "Where will this lead."
I wonder if anyone will even read my blog. Will I receive comments, get into heated arguments. Or will my thoughts go on unnoticed, float through the deep endless space that is the internet.
And now, I hope. I hope I do get in arguments, see others world views as they see mine. Who knows, maybe ill even learn a thing or two. I hope I can get my thoughts down, have something to write (type) about.
So I guess that's about it. I don't know how often ill be blogging, is there a rule as to when you do it? Daily, weekly, who knows? I guess ill let the voices in my head do the talking from here.....
So here I am today, typing on my Blackberry Curve 8330 on a slow day at work. Now I'm wondering "what's the point?" "Where will this lead."
I wonder if anyone will even read my blog. Will I receive comments, get into heated arguments. Or will my thoughts go on unnoticed, float through the deep endless space that is the internet.
And now, I hope. I hope I do get in arguments, see others world views as they see mine. Who knows, maybe ill even learn a thing or two. I hope I can get my thoughts down, have something to write (type) about.
So I guess that's about it. I don't know how often ill be blogging, is there a rule as to when you do it? Daily, weekly, who knows? I guess ill let the voices in my head do the talking from here.....
An Eagle Soars
An Eagle Soars
His dark out line is sharp against the clear blue Sky
Showing great strength He pulls Himself amongst the soft white clouds
Long circles across the sky, one might say He’s lost
Something tells Me that He isn’t Determined, as if Life depended on it, He keeps His eyes on the ground far below Him
Scanning the Earth’s floor, He finds me, standing alone atop a Mountain
The stunning Grey Mountain cuts through the blue sky, outlining greatness and accomplishment
Unsure as to why I was on this Mountain, and puzzled even more by how I got there, I stood
Lost
With a proud form, the Eagle lands next to Me on a branch of an old pine tree
I look over to Him, but his wise deep eyes never turn to my direction
Instead, He keeps his eyes looking across the land
Knowing
“Would You like me to Show You?” comes a loud but comforting voice
Not believing an Eagle could speak, and thinking I must be hallucinating, I said nothing
But He knew what lied in the depths of my heart
And My eyes became His eyes
My arms, His mighty wings I stretched wide
And My feet, now grasping the weathered old pine branch below
I closed My new eyes
I inhale Crisp, Clear, Cool Air
The Oxygen comes into My lungs and travels to the outmost parts of My new body
A new Energy flows with it like Lightning, making Me sharp and alert
I open My new eyes to see Everything, I drink the images of God and His Creation
I see how He has carefully, and lovingly placed each Individual piece
The view of God glory is almost overpowering, but the lightning keeps me strong
Exhale
I take another deep Breath as I take to the sky
How to describe flying? Freedom, Peace, Wholeness
Gliding through the fresh air with the wind in my face, I wonder where this Journey is headed
What plans are in store for Me? What answers will I find?I fly far off, away from the Mountain until I come to a Hazel Field
Long grass sways gently in the light breeze
The sun is high and bright. It’s rays traveling from afar dry a Butterfly’s wings from the morning’s dew Displaying Her magnificent colors of blue, red, yellow, and violet, She flutters with Grace
She lands in a patch of wild flowers who boast an even more delightful show of colors
She sits quietly, knowing of her Beauty
Below Her, a Field Mouse scurries through a maze of self made tunnels. Going which ever way he pleases
Knowing of his Accomplishments. He is full of life. Knowing Freedom
And at last a Bunny as white as a Christmas mornings snow fall, returns home to his family
Love and Joy overflow His home, as they are now all together
Exhale
I want this Love, this Peace and FulfillmentI long for It, Thirst for It. I Lust for It The Greed consumes me, as I begin to take in another Breath
I must get as much of this Crisp, Clear, Cool Air as I can
I force more and more Oxygen into my lungs
Eyes shut tight as pain begins to fill my chest, but I ignore it. I take off again to find
More
Far away from the Hazel Fields I come upon a Large Canyon
And below it, a Plush Green Forest sits in the Darkness
Blinded by the Greed I dive down and land on a dead branch
A winding River flows through the Canyon
It rages with conformity, rejecting itself from freedom
With the slightest change of course, the entire river shifts as a whole
In perfect uniform like a Nazi Army preparing for Battle
As They crash into polished round stones speckled in shades of brown and black
Individual droplets of Blue emerge from the mass and take to the Air
I watch in Horror as They scream for Their Freedom
Pleading with the Sky to remove Their shackles and Rescue Them from the thrashing, drowning, grasp But the Sky does not hear Their cries. It is too busy attending to the Birds and Clouds
So the Individuals turn to the Trees, groaning for a Rescuer But the tall old Trees are full of ignorance, they don’t know the Pain of the riverbed beside them
Realizing the hopeless truth, that They are not destined for Freedom
That Pain and Emptiness are all They are going to feel
Chills run across and through Them
A feeling of Cold comes into Them and fills Them, only to slowly leave
Like a soul removing itself from a dead man
And Gravity pulls on the Individuals bringing them back to the River
Consumed in an instant, They will never be again
Forever, lost in a world of Blue
Where even the Trees leave you for dead
And the Sky never will hear Your cries for Salvation
Exhale
Suddenly, I am My own again
No more Sharp eyes or glorious Wings
Standing on my own feet, back atop the Grey Mountain
Had I been asleep? Was it all a Dream?I turned and there stood the Eagle on His branch“Why have you shown me these things?”“What Answers am I supposed to have?” I asked
And I suppose, If eagles could talk
He would have
A soft sparkle seemed to fill His Eyes
He opened His great Wings, and took to the Sky
A feeling deep within told me
This Journey wasn’t an Answer at all
-Noah Peterson (2007)
His dark out line is sharp against the clear blue Sky
Showing great strength He pulls Himself amongst the soft white clouds
Long circles across the sky, one might say He’s lost
Something tells Me that He isn’t Determined, as if Life depended on it, He keeps His eyes on the ground far below Him
Scanning the Earth’s floor, He finds me, standing alone atop a Mountain
The stunning Grey Mountain cuts through the blue sky, outlining greatness and accomplishment
Unsure as to why I was on this Mountain, and puzzled even more by how I got there, I stood
Lost
With a proud form, the Eagle lands next to Me on a branch of an old pine tree
I look over to Him, but his wise deep eyes never turn to my direction
Instead, He keeps his eyes looking across the land
Knowing
“Would You like me to Show You?” comes a loud but comforting voice
Not believing an Eagle could speak, and thinking I must be hallucinating, I said nothing
But He knew what lied in the depths of my heart
And My eyes became His eyes
My arms, His mighty wings I stretched wide
And My feet, now grasping the weathered old pine branch below
I closed My new eyes
I inhale Crisp, Clear, Cool Air
The Oxygen comes into My lungs and travels to the outmost parts of My new body
A new Energy flows with it like Lightning, making Me sharp and alert
I open My new eyes to see Everything, I drink the images of God and His Creation
I see how He has carefully, and lovingly placed each Individual piece
The view of God glory is almost overpowering, but the lightning keeps me strong
Exhale
I take another deep Breath as I take to the sky
How to describe flying? Freedom, Peace, Wholeness
Gliding through the fresh air with the wind in my face, I wonder where this Journey is headed
What plans are in store for Me? What answers will I find?I fly far off, away from the Mountain until I come to a Hazel Field
Long grass sways gently in the light breeze
The sun is high and bright. It’s rays traveling from afar dry a Butterfly’s wings from the morning’s dew Displaying Her magnificent colors of blue, red, yellow, and violet, She flutters with Grace
She lands in a patch of wild flowers who boast an even more delightful show of colors
She sits quietly, knowing of her Beauty
Below Her, a Field Mouse scurries through a maze of self made tunnels. Going which ever way he pleases
Knowing of his Accomplishments. He is full of life. Knowing Freedom
And at last a Bunny as white as a Christmas mornings snow fall, returns home to his family
Love and Joy overflow His home, as they are now all together
Exhale
I want this Love, this Peace and FulfillmentI long for It, Thirst for It. I Lust for It The Greed consumes me, as I begin to take in another Breath
I must get as much of this Crisp, Clear, Cool Air as I can
I force more and more Oxygen into my lungs
Eyes shut tight as pain begins to fill my chest, but I ignore it. I take off again to find
More
Far away from the Hazel Fields I come upon a Large Canyon
And below it, a Plush Green Forest sits in the Darkness
Blinded by the Greed I dive down and land on a dead branch
A winding River flows through the Canyon
It rages with conformity, rejecting itself from freedom
With the slightest change of course, the entire river shifts as a whole
In perfect uniform like a Nazi Army preparing for Battle
As They crash into polished round stones speckled in shades of brown and black
Individual droplets of Blue emerge from the mass and take to the Air
I watch in Horror as They scream for Their Freedom
Pleading with the Sky to remove Their shackles and Rescue Them from the thrashing, drowning, grasp But the Sky does not hear Their cries. It is too busy attending to the Birds and Clouds
So the Individuals turn to the Trees, groaning for a Rescuer But the tall old Trees are full of ignorance, they don’t know the Pain of the riverbed beside them
Realizing the hopeless truth, that They are not destined for Freedom
That Pain and Emptiness are all They are going to feel
Chills run across and through Them
A feeling of Cold comes into Them and fills Them, only to slowly leave
Like a soul removing itself from a dead man
And Gravity pulls on the Individuals bringing them back to the River
Consumed in an instant, They will never be again
Forever, lost in a world of Blue
Where even the Trees leave you for dead
And the Sky never will hear Your cries for Salvation
Exhale
Suddenly, I am My own again
No more Sharp eyes or glorious Wings
Standing on my own feet, back atop the Grey Mountain
Had I been asleep? Was it all a Dream?I turned and there stood the Eagle on His branch“Why have you shown me these things?”“What Answers am I supposed to have?” I asked
And I suppose, If eagles could talk
He would have
A soft sparkle seemed to fill His Eyes
He opened His great Wings, and took to the Sky
A feeling deep within told me
This Journey wasn’t an Answer at all
-Noah Peterson (2007)
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