"One vs. All"

Can just one person drastically make a difference in the world we live it? I'm talking about big time change. It seems impossible to me. In order for me to work it out in my head I have to bend it and twist it around too much. I hate justification, or anything that isn't black and white. The problem is, we live in an extremely colorful world. I guess one person could effect the lives of a few who would in turn effect the lives of a few each and so on and so on. Like a pyramid scheme only instead of riping you off, you get help. Does that count as one person changing the face of the world? I guess but it seems a little watered down to me. A politician could change a lot by changing, removing, or adding laws. But you never know because there's always another behind them who may change it back.

So what's the point? Why should I even try to make the world a better place for others around me? Being selfish and having it my way might be a better life for me... ...you could do it too! Instead of living for others we could all just live for ourselves!

Sitting in this crazy hot bus, on my way to York, PA. A mission trip with the church's youth group "Potters Clay" Sr high. The excitement is starting to kick in. Oh yeah, we get to be selfish! We're going white water rafting, going to Hershy Amusement park and having a great time hanging out with each other. And then comes the real treat. Helping others!! I know, I know, you're thinking "wait, what happened to the selfishness? Why are you helping others?" Here's my loop hole, ready? We will be changing the lives of these people. Maybe its nothing big but helping out someone in need is very gratifying! The good feeling you get deep in your soul, fills your whole spirit. You feel better than ever. I don't think there's a better feeling on Earth. What could be more selfish than that??

The Wall.

Sometimes I find myself standing next to a wall. It is an extremely high and very thick wall. On my side of the wall, it is dirty. The ground is covered in little sharp rocks that hurt the bottoms of my feet. There is very little light and it is just ever so uncomfortably hot. The air is thick and heavy making it difficult, but possible to breath. An unpleasant smell comes and goes that reminds me of rotting potatoes. Sure a nice breeze passes by from time to time, removing the smell and cooling my sweat covered face.
Worst of all, I know what is on the other side of that wall. Its a place where the sun is always shining but its not hot. A place with soft bright grass that springs under your feet. The air is fresh and crisp.
I know this because there is a gate near by. An old wrought iron gate that I can manage to stick my arm through. I can feel the edges of the grass, and when the wind is just right, I can taste the fresh air. It gives me hope.
The odd thing is that the gate, is not even locked. I could go through if I really wanted to. But I don't. Why not?
I honestly don't know. I have had brief visits to the other side. I know how great it is over there. but I still choose to sit in the dark.
Warning: Religious Content Ahead!
God has created us with Free Will. We have a choice. Why did he do that? Wouldn't it be nice if we could all just live together in peace? In a perfect place together with God. There could be no wars or hunger. No hate. No sin. If you haven't made the connection yet please go dust off that book you've had forever and turn to Genesis 1:1 start from there.
Why did God have to create that tree? Why did he allow the temptation? Was it his plan all along for us to eat the fruit? Maybe after that seventh day of rest he still knew that everything was good, but wanted to be even better. Does having evil make good great? Does having death make life more sweet? Or did He just give us free will in the hopes we could handle it, and we messed everything all up? Would that make God the failure or us?
Questions that can't really be answered are a tough thing for me. They have nothing to do with whether I am going to heaven or not, that's been decided on a cross.
All I know is what is waiting for me on the other side of this metaphorical wall. And I try to be a part of it as much as I can. To try and stay out of the darkness, to catch every possible whiff of the passing breeze, and to reach through the gate to touch the grass. To see my future. He has prepared my Home.

Creep

I wish that I had this song while I was growing up. School was never easy for me. Not the academic part, but the having friends and being popular part. And I blame my parents! If it wasn't for them, I could have been a shallow, self-centered, little prick just like all the other popular people at my school. If they would have only raised me knowing that all that matters is how much money you have, what store you buy your cloths at, and what kind of cool shit your parents buy you was what really mattered I would have been so much better off! Sorry for the language, in face I have wanted to post this song for over a year but couldn't decide if I should censor it or not, being a youth leader and all. I've decided on a compromise, I posted it but not on facebook. To censor the lyrics would censor how i felt. Swearing may be "wrong" or a "sin" but sometimes that's just the truth. Believe me, I wish that I didn't feel this way. I have always had a very few close friends, but never really popular. Although I was always the kid who's mom took him to the park and easily found a friend for the day. Now I realize that the friend I always got was the kid who wasn't "cool." I grew up not knowing the meaning of that word, a person was a person and you should be nice to everyone. Do I regret the friendships I had growing up? No and Yes. On one hand, I had some amazing friends and I know that I was myself not trying to be someone else to be popular. On the other hand, I was not "cool" and subject to childhood mocking. Do I hate the people who made fun of me and refused to be nice. In short, yes. I know God wants me to forgive them and in a way I have forgave them. But that doesn't keep the anger from resurfacing from time to time. Like running into them, or writing a blog about the subject :)
So yeah, it's my parents fault. I hate them for making me a good and decent person. Thanks a lot mom and dad! I could have had it easy, I could have gone to partys, and made fun of other people. I could have been the reason for some other losers blog post that few will actually read only causing more feelings of self-worthlessness. But no, you had to teach me about Christs love, and that people are just that, people. People who deserve a chance even if you weren't given one. It would have been so nice to go through elementary and high school with tons of friends and yearbook pictures.

on the other hand, it's great to know I'm not a Dick!

Creep: by, Radiohead

When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fuckin' special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here, ohhhh, ohhhh

She's running out again
She's running out
She run run run run...
run... run...

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't belong here...

So even though I still feel this way from time to time. I am thankful for my life. Thinking about how I want to raise my sons has been a small struggle. Do i want them to be popular, YES! That would be awesome. On the other hand, it is way more important to me that he is not a Dick. If they grew up the most popular kids in school but were total Dicks i would be so much more disappointed.
remember, its not too late to not be a Dick, give it a try you may end up loving being a "loser." just like me, hell I'll hang out with you!!

Harder than I Thought

Well, here I am right where i thought I would end up. Wishing the blog was doing more, and having nothing to write about. i have a few ideas and topics but they all seem to veer over to the whole "religious" theme. Not that there is anything wrong with that, it just wasn't my intent when i decided to start this. I don't want to turn you off to my blog if you are not a Christian. In fact, that was more of the demographic i was looking for. To be able to discuss faith, doubt, fears, ideas, and beliefs with people who all don't necessarily agree with each other. So there is my problem. I will have to think, pray, and meditate over this issue over the next few days, hopefully a solution will present itself.
I am also going to work on some "eye candy" for the blog. other than the picture slide show at top, I'm felling very bland. It hurts my eyes reading the page and thats not cool. so some pictures, and original art is in order. My two year old son, Micah painted a picture at Grand Rapids Festival '09 that we are going to get framed. Its very abstract but interesting to look at. It was very cool to watch him paint it. Obviously he lacks the traditional skills to be an "amazing prodigy" being that he is only two, but to see how intent he was with each brush stroke, how he carefully pondered his next color choice, and how the painting changes. As i was watching him I almost stopped him three or four times because it looked so cool. But then he would switch colors and the painting would become even different, and better. I find it intriguing what an innocent and hopeful mind accomplished. He isn't bothered by the thoughts of the mortgage bill, or the car breaking down. He doesn't deal with guilt or regret from doing things he wishes never happened. I know that I will be expanding on this more later, but for now I think it will do and I hope you are understanding what I am saying.

Here is his painting: